I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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