he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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