he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I forget how to act sober
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
