Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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