the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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