i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
