So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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