Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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