Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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