Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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