Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
