Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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