i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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