I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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