my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
