Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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