God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
