is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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