Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
