Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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