Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
