I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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