I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
