how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
