Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
