last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
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Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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