This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
