she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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