Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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