Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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