i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
