this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
