Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
