Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
