If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
