dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He has the fingertips of a God
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