trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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