omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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