Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No subtext here. People are naked.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I deserve this hangover.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
