Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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