Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
