I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
