You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
