He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
