i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
