like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
