If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
