he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
