Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
