420 ftw
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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