Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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