Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
