this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
