my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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