she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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