my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
