Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
