did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
