Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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