i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
