now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
