just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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