i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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